KAREN'S LEGS-Lyrics

I have not included the lyrics to any of the songs on Karen's Legs in the CD booklet. This is because I believe that if you want to know the words to a song, you should listen to the song. Lyrics are not poetry, and rarely stand on their own apart from the music. However, lyric sheets do have their uses, so I am including full lyrics on this web site. As you can see, Karen's Legs has quite a lot of lyrics, probably because I never know when to shut up.

Don't Ever Tell a Dog
Coefficient of Haze (It's All Walt's Fault)
World's Worst Girlfriend
April In November
Let's Be Friends (Let's Just Be Friends)
Karen's Legs
Nogies Creek (Eye For Detail)
Just a Teenage Girl
Hello Molly
Clichés For Kari-Ann

Don't Ever Tell A Dog

That girl, she lost perspective, she forgot the prime directive
And she threw the baby out with the bath water last night
Don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white
She's been hanging around on unholy ground
And it isn't just the music or a meal by candlelight
Don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white
No, don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white

Chorus
Hold the phone, it's only monochrome
But sometimes it makes more sense
I can't see HDTV
Or the IMAX experience
Don't tell me you're broken hearted
I can see through that
Well you can rationalize as you supersize your fries
But they'll still make you fat

Don't employ invective just because you got protective
You know I've heard your bark is much worse than your bite
Don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white
If you're feeling insecure get yourself a pedicure
Go down to the gym and get your waist slight and your buns tight
But don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white
No, don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white

Chorus

I don't need confetti just because we shared spaghetti
A simple canine kiss will keep my teeth white and my eyes bright
Don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white
I don't want fine china at the back door of the diner
No, I'll just beg for scraps at the end of the night
Don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white
No, don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white

Please do not adjust your set
No don't touch that dial
I don't know it all just yet
But I've been around a while

There's right and there's wrong, there's left and there's right
I've spent some time in donut shops in the middle of the night
Don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white
Don't put me on trial cause I'm in phase four denial
The Holy Spirit told me everything would be alright
Don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white
No, don't ever tell a dog the world ain't black and white

Hold the phone, it's only monochrome
But sometimes it makes more sense

Co-efficient of Haze (It's All Walt's Fault)

Early warning radar shows light showers to the north
Today there'll be no sunrise with the dawn
Lately global warming hasn't done a thing for me
I feel another ice age coming on

She stirs me up inside in so many different ways

Co-efficient of haze
Ultra-violet rays
Out of focus and phase
The glacier advances
To meet the hurricane

Co-efficient of haze
Ultra-violet rays
Out of focus and phase
As inexorable as the weather
Are the tears that fall like rain

I became a conservationist the day some nameless hunter shot Bambi's mother
I've lost respect for Elmer Fudd ever since
And I get jealous when my cartoon girls, breathless in their tiaras and their evening gowns
Dance with some animated wooden prince

She stirs me up inside in so many different ways

Co-efficient of haze (It's all Walt's fault)
Ultra-violet rays (It's all Walt's fault)
Out of focus and phase (It's all Walt's fault)
Seven little noses
Pressed up against the pane

Co-efficient of haze (It's all Walt's fault)
Ultra-violet rays (It's all Walt's fault)
Out of focus and phase (It's all Walt's fault)
Snow White's in her casket
And the Dwarves are drunk again

You can lead a horse to water
But you can't make him drink
You can date a sultan's daughter
But you can't teach her to think
You can build a storybook castle
In the middle of a Florida swamp
But when you finally meet the princess
She's all circumstance and pomp

When I was younger I thought beautiful women descended regularly from the sky
Borne gently on the wind by opened up umbrellas
And Truly Scrumptious had me quite convinced that vintage cars could actually fly
Driven by rather small rotating propellors

But there's no adventure in Tommorowland, just the same old themes repeating
We'll never grow up cause we're supposed to stay young forever
As the blossoms bloom in May and June, through the permafrost in December
The Disney Corporation controls the weather

She stirs me up inside in the same predictable ways

Co-efficient of haze (It's all Walt's fault)
Ultra-violet rays (It's all Walt's fault)
Out of focus and phase (It's all Walt's fault)
Please cut the strings that bind me
Cause I can't stand the strain

Co-efficient of haze (It's all Walt's fault)
Ultra-violet rays (It's all Walt's fault)
Out of focus and phase (It's all Walt's fault)
The search for the Blue Fairy
Well it's all been in vain

World's Worst Girlfriend

Well you may not think too much about it
And you may not even notice at all
But the whole neighbourhood thinks that I'm retarded
Cause I'm always at your beck and call
And I'm trying to be as open-minded
As a regular guy can be
But it's hard when your legs are open wide
Around somebody who ain't me

Cause you're the world's worst girlfriend
It's getting pretty hard to take
You're the world's worst girlfriend
You're perpetually on the make

Don't get me wrong, girl
I still love you unconditionally
But I'm kind of concerned about the threat of AIDS
And the various forms of VD
And I can't even take you to the laundromat
Because, as a matter of course
In between the rinse and the spin cycle
You'll be into someone else's shorts

Cause you're the world's worst girlfriend
There ain't nobody else like you
You're the world's worst girlfriend
You're far too easy to screw

My friends and acquaintances are all exchanging notes
On your general demeanour as they're sowing their wild oats
They say, "She's a nice lass, but she's had so many men
Gotta strap a board to your ass so you don't fall in"

Don't think me too sensitve
But I feel a little second rate
Why do you feel compelled to phone the fire department
Every time you want a date?
Lately I've heard, it's the talk of the town,
That my libido's shot
But it's not that I can't do it anymore
It's simply that you're too hot

Cause you're the world's worst girlfriend
It's getting pretty hard to take
You're the world's worst girlfriend
You're perpetually on the make
Yeah you're the world's worst girlfriend
There ain't nobody else like you
You're the world's worst girlfriend
You're far too easy to screw

April In November
Lately it seems like we've both known each other forever
But then again, I hardly know you at all
The glimpses you gave me are something that I'll always treasure
But how did it happen, it's already fall

Chorus
Why can't we have April in November
Why can't there be sunshine as the snow flies
Why can't you be with me till we've been through it all
And have springtime in the fall, springtime in the fall

Whatever the season it's constantly patio weather
When you take my hand and look into my eyes
The promises made throuigh the years mean we'll never say never
But it always ends with regrets and goodbyes

Chorus

You're not just a ballerina on the stage of my life
You're the score and the choreography
And if you pirouette into the wings to close Act Two
I'll be dancing Act Three in a minor key

One day we'll dance as two angels together in heaven
The world down below, it won't matter at all
But here on the stage it's still going on for eleven
And it matters to me just how the curtain will fall

Chorus

Let's Be Friends (Let's Just Be Friends)

She calls me up and says, "Hello, sweetheart,
The lawn needs mowing and the car won't start"
So I go over, cut the grass all day
And fix the ignition on the Chevrolet
When I'm done wanna hold her tight
But if I get close she just starts to fight

Chorus
And she says, "Let's be friends, let's be friends,
Let's just be friends
Let's be friends, let's be friends,
Let's just be friends"

I call her up, I've got a table for two
We'll have wine with dinner, strictly cordon bleu
And so to further our relationship
I spend ninety-six fifty not including tip
I take her home in a limousine
But I can't come in cause the house ain't clean

Chorus

You see she says she respects me
Too much to get involved
And sex would ruin everything
And complicate it all
All her other boyfriends
Are merely pleasure toys Oh I think I'll join the priesthood
At least I'd have the altar boys

She calls me up and says, "Bring the car,
It's a nice warm night and we can watch the stars"
I drive her out to some secluded spot
And she takes off her sweater cause she's feeling hot
I get a little optimistic but she dashes my hopes
With an astronomy texbook and a telescope

And I say, "You're kidding, right?"
She says, "No, keep your hands to yourself and look for the Big Dipper"
And I say, "Undo my zipper and I'll show you the Big Dipper"
And she says, "Don't be crude"

I call her up, I got the weekend free
"Let's get away to the country, just you and me"
We hold hands along the way
To a posh resort on Georgian Bay
I tell the porter it's our honeymoon
But she insists on seperate rooms

Chorus

You see she says she respects me
Too much to get involved
And sex would ruin everything
And complicate it all
All her other boyfriends
Are merely pleasure toys
Oh I think I'll join the priesthood
At least I'd have the altar boys

So I go out with some drunken slut
Just to make her jealous and to stir things up
We go for dinner at the Taco Bell
And drive directly to a cheap motel
She says, "You're not like other guys,
You're so sweet and kind," and she starts to cry

Chorus

Chorus

Karen's Legs

Early one morning, I pick up the mail, there's a letter from my mother, yeah she's in jail
She got caught at the convenience store, revolver in her hand, clerk dyin' on the floor
But hey, whoever said life's fair
And you know I never really do despair
Cause even in my darkest hour all I do is think of Karen's
Legs
And those legs, those legs go on forever
And those legs, those legs improve the weather
Sunshine it breaks through the clouds every time I look at Karen's
Legs

Later that day I get a call on the phone, parked my truck in a handicapped zone
Ain't gonna move it, they all scream, I get beat up by a wheelchair basketball team
But hey, whoever said life's fair
And you know I never really do despair
Cause even in my darkest hour all I do is think of Karen's
Legs
Well I don't know how long they really are
But late one night she leaned across the bar
I was lookin' down her top, all I saw was more of Karen's
Legs

Girl I'm just a maintenance man, I drink and smoke and chew
But I like my taste in women even though my collar's blue
Remember Daisy from the Dukes of Hazard? Well she's got nothin' on you
Oh Karen, please believe me, those legs will never leave me
As long as I can turn a drywall
Screw

So I get home to the Parkview Arms, there's a hooker in my bed with a trick in her arms
The man in charge is quite polite, it seems that I got evicted last night
But hey, whoever said life's fair
And you know I never really do despair
Cause even in my darkest hour all I do is think of Karen's
Legs
And I know you will agree if you have seen 'em
That it would be just great to get between 'em
And if God grants me another life I think I'll come back as Karen's
Legs

Nogies Creek (Eye For Detail)

She was a looker, I took 'er down the road
Maybe 20 miles or so

She didn't say a lot at first
Just sat and fiddled with her purse
(Kinda nervous, like)

She said, "Don't you think it's queer
The way some folks just disappear?"
I said, "Yeah, it happens in these parts"

She finally asked me where I'm bound
I said, "You know, I get around
Just now I'm headin' up to Nogies Creek"

Chorus
It ain't safe to swim in Nogies Creek no more
The weight of all them souls will pull you down
And Charlie says they're sinners, I figure he should know
She's got an eye for detail, I shouldn't have let her go

I said, Have you ever been
Cleansed of all your worldly sin?"
(She looked at me a little funny after that)

"People they don't realize
Until they're properly baptised
Just how much evil there is in this world"

She looked out the window then
The rain, it started up again
Sometimes, some people, they just don't wanna know

But up the road old Charlie's waitin'
And me, I ain't hesitatin'
To bring another soul to Nogies Creek

Chorus

Well it must have been the way she smiled
Or the way she rolled those big brown eyes
But I let her out before we hit Nogies Creek

Late last night I heard they came
I heard they mentioned Charlie's name
And shone their flashlights down in Nogies Creek

Now Charlie he's a wanted man
And me I'm doin' the best I can
To put some mileage on this pickup truck

Accelerator's on the floor
The only thing I know for sure
I'm never goin' back to Nogies Creek

It ain't the River Jordan
Just a creek but there's no fordin'
On the bend that's deep and dark
With sorrows poured
That's where we wash away
The sins of those who have to pay
For contravening the Commandments
Of the Lord

Chorus

Just A Teenage Girl

I grew up on Jem and the Holograms
Judy Jetson, Betty and Veronica
I got little palm trees painted on my fingernails
One year when we went to Florida for Honuka

Well I may look like just a middle aged guy
But this male pattern baldness is chiefly a lie
I'm much more at home in gingham and curls
Cause I'm really just a teenage girl
Yes I'm really just a teenage girl

I spend countless hours locked alone in the bathroom
Nobody knows what I'm doing in there
I don't really know what I'm doing in there either
Should I be plucking my eyebrows or fixing my hair?

Well I may look like just a middle aged guy
But songs by David Cassidy still make me cry
I'm much more at home in make-up and pearls
Cause I'm really just a teenage girl
Yes I'm really just a teenage girl

Well I threw out my Barbie dolls a long time ago
But they've come back to haunt me, now how does it show?
I've got a surf board on my station wagon even when it snows
I wear a stellar thong bikini underneath my winter clothes
Sometimes when I'm bored I put nail polish on my toes
I've got an iPod in each earring and a rhinestone up my nose
My legs are kind of hairy but it hardly ever shows
Especially if I wear darker coloured panty hose

All the guys in gym class thought it was hilarious
When I tried out for the cheerleading squad
When I plastered posters from Tiger Beat magazine
All over my locker they thought it was odd

Well I know about genetics, chromosomes and God's plan
But I'm more like Molly Ringwold than I am like my old man
I can't catch a ball but I can curtsey and twirl
Cause I'm really just a teenage girl
Yes I'm really just a teenage girl
Yes I'm really just a teenage girl
Yes I'm really just a teenage girl

Hello Molly

Hello Molly
How's the old house, is it still overhung with vines?
Hello Molly
I trust you and Miss Clavel and all the little girls are fine
Do you still leave in the morning at exactly half past nine?
Is the Eiffel Tower still standing, are you still the last in line?
Are you still in love with Paris summer, winter, rain or shine?

Hello Dorothy
The Emerald City's grown much duller since you left for home
Hello Dorothy
Is Kansas so important that you'd leave us all alone?
Ever since I've had a brain I've thought about you every day
Ever since I've had a heart I've had nothing much to say
Oh I wish I'd had the courage then to try and make you stay

Hello Donna
Though I call you Dulcinea I know just who you are
Hello Donna
You're the Spain that I once knew, golden days of love and war
Do you want to know a secret, promise don't give me away
Well I knew that they were windmills but I fought them anyway
Take another look around you, do you really want to stay?
Cause if you want to, we could always get away
Yes if you want to, we could always get away

Hello Jenny
Where's King Arthur, is he off on a long crusade?
Hello Jenny
What's the matter, are you tired of Arthur's old charades?
Can I kill a dragon for you, why not make it two or three?
Shall we go into the garden, and wander aimlessly?
Draw your pentagrams upon the ground and cast a spell on me

Hello Jane
If I were Dante Gabriel I'd paint your portrait many times
Hello Jane
Why do his colours fascinate you more than my designs and rhymes?
Yet I think I understand you, why you have to get away
While your long hair flows around you I'll forgive you day by day
As I defended Jenny I must stick by what I say

Hello Molly
I've been waiting all day long just to talk to you
Hello Molly
How's your life been, do you live it better than I do?
Sometimes I worry 'bout you so I call you on the phone
I suppose you might be better off if I just left you alone
I guess that's all I had to say, I'd better let you go

Hello Molly
Where's your smile gone, has it blown away with all my dreams?
Hello Molly
I can't depend on anything so much as change or so it seems
Yet I know I'll think about you sometimes when I'm on my own
No matter how much we're together we must always be alone
Because love is introspective, it's like talking on the phone
When there's no one on the other line

Cliches For Kari-Ann

Standing on the corner Sunday morning 3 A.M.
Freezing cold and wishing I could get to bed
Waiting for the light to change, star gazing through the sky
Shades of Keep A Knockin' going through my head
Move along the sidewalk under black and twisted trees
Lunar fire begins to make the winter fade
Soon I'm drifting in the shallows down at Half Moon Bay
Wondering what Mad Shadows lie behind the shades

Chorus
And if some spade says, "Rock 'n rollers, you're all the same"
It's not the Young Dudes or the Sea Divers that we have to blame
It's not the money, or the glory, or the glitter, or the fame
Cause when you sell your soul for rock and roll it's more than just a game

Walkin' With A Mountain on The Road To Birmingham
Attending Saturday Gigs with a Rock 'n Roll Queen
I'm One of the Boys, I'm a Thunderbuck Ram
Got no Angel of 8th Avenue, just Sweet Angeline
I hear Drivin' Sister's got No Wheels To Ride
I got Alice in Manhattan, Jerkin' Crocus on the phone
Little Whizz Kid made the river but she's on the wrong side
I Wish I Was Your Mother, gotta Roll Away the Stone

Chorus

Whiskey Women giving me a warm reception
Wheel of the Quivering Meat Conception
Angeline came up to me and offered me her bed
I looked into her hollow eyes and this is what I said

Death May Be Your Santa Claus but Mott the Hoople's mine
Death May Be Your Santa Claus but Mott the Hoople's mine
repeat